


broken perfections

by orphan_account



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-27
Updated: 2014-06-27
Packaged: 2018-02-06 12:15:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1857714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since she was fifteen years old, Sarah Manning has known she is broken. She knows she was supposed to want to sleep with boys and everything, but she’d never felt the want that everyone else did. She had, of course, slept with boys (and with a couple girls), but she’d only ever felt attraction like that once or twice.</p><p>When she met Cosima Niehaus, she’d felt butterflies in her stomach, and she had wanted to kiss this girl, Cosima (God, she’d wanted to kiss her so much), but she still didn’t want to sleep with her. Sarah had never said anything, because she never did. Cosima was cute, in college, the type of girl who had probably had sex dozens of times. Sarah liked her a lot, but she didn’t know how to say that she didn’t want to.</p><p> (Punky Monkey domestic AU in which Sarah and Cosima raise Kira)</p>
            </blockquote>





	broken perfections

Since she was fifteen years old, Sarah Manning has known she is broken. She knows she was supposed to want to sleep with boys and everything, but she’d never felt the want that everyone else did. She had, of course, slept with boys (and with a couple girls), but she’d only ever felt attraction like that once or twice. 

When she met Cosima Niehaus, she’d felt butterflies in her stomach, and she had wanted to kiss this girl, Cosima (God, she’d wanted to kiss her so much), but she still didn’t want to sleep with her. Sarah had never said anything, because she never did. Cosima was cute, in college, the type of girl who had probably had sex dozens of times. Sarah liked her a lot, but she didn’t know how to say that she didn’t want to.

 Even now that they’d moved into Sarah’s house, and were effectively raising Sarah’s daughter (a child Sarah hadn’t planned, but loved the same as any mother would), she still hasn’t told Cosima. She still feels uncomfortable having sex with Cosima, but she still doesn’t say anything. (It’s not like she’s not good at sex, or that she doesn’t enjoy it- she is, and she does, but she feels like she’s lying to Cosima. She doesn’t feelany real sexual attraction to Cosima.)

 What she doesn’t know is that Cosima notices. 

She asks Sarah as they’re settling into bed one night if she wants to stop.

“Stop what? I- I don’t want to break up with you, Cos.” 

“Stop… you know. Having sex.” 

“What?” 

“You just… you don’t seem like you’re, I don’t know, _into_ it.” 

“I just… yeah. Yeah. That’d be good. And we can do… it… later, just... God, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I just don’t really want to have sex with you, yet. God. That sounds terrible, sorry.”

 “That’s okay.”

 That’s the end of the conversation. They go to sleep like normal, or at least, Sarah does. Cosima waits for Sarah to drift off, and gets up. She creeps downstairs, to where her laptop is waiting in the living room. She sets up on the coffee table, cracks her knuckles, and starts searching.

 Within an hour, she has a name for what Sarah is feeling (probably- no one but Sarah can know for sure.) Grey-asexual. She’s surprised she hasn’t heard of it before, but it makes sense based on what Sarah was telling her earlier.

She keeps reading, learning and trying to compare each fact to Sarah –not all of them fit, but most seem to, from what she knows. She stays up almost all night, trying to understand what Sarah does –or doesn’t- feel. At some point, she falls asleep, the laptop’s screen still shining light on her face.

 Sarah wakes up, and Cosima’s not beside her. _Oh God, I scared her away, she left me, no one would want me, why did I think Cosima would…_  

These thoughts buzz around in her head as she wanders downstairs. (Come to think of it, she’s not sure why she’s going downstairs. Habit?) 

She finds Cosima, asleep in front of her laptop, and relief fills her chest faster than she’d thought possible. 

“Wake up, nerd,” she says, shaking Cosima awake. “You stayed up too late doing science. Time to get some sle-” 

Her voice trails off when Cosima mumbles awake and she can see the screen. Cosima had been doing research, trying to learn why Sarah had said what she did. 

“I wanted to know more,” Cosima murmurs, still half-asleep. “I want to be able to,” and she yawns, her words cut off. “to support you.” 

Tears are welling in Sarah’s eyes, and she’s smiling, her grin almost too big for her face. No one has ever bothered to actually try to understand Sarah. Most people didn’t even believe what she felt was real. 

“Thank you, Cos,” Sarah says, her voice only slightly choked. Sarah hadn’t heard of the term Cosima was explaining either, but it sounded right for her. And mostly, it was the fact that Cosima went out of her way to try to understand Sarah. 

Cosima is confused for a moment, but then she gets it. Sarah’s probably been accepted by only a few people in her life, and even less had tried to understand her like this. To Cosima, it was just a little thing, but to Sarah it meant the world. 

Sarah wraps her arms around Cosima, and Cosima eagerly hugs her back, kissing her cheek. “Hey, Sarah,” she says. “Does this mean I get to, like, cuddle with you more?” 

Sarah smiles. “Yeah, I guess it does.” 

Cosima leans back, her own grin beaming. “Awesome. And Sarah? You could’ve told me a long time ago, okay? Don’t feel bad for being different. Actually, it’s pretty cool.”

 “What do you mean, my mum’s different?”

 Kira, dressed in bright pink pajamas, is standing at the edge of the room. She still looks tired, dragging a stuffed monkey behind her. 

Cosima looks at Sarah, her face a little awkward and slightly panicked. Sarah nods at her, her own expression a bit nervous. 

“Sit down, monkey,” Cosima says, sitting down on the couch herself. Sarah sits on the other side of Kira. 

“Kira, you know when you see a cute boy or girl, and you want to kiss them?” Cosima says, her voice gentle and her hands punctuating her sentence. Kira nods, completely attentive to Cosima. “And you know how sometimes a boy and a girl make a baby?” 

Kira nods again, and Sarah’s eyes are wide, like she’s saying _If you tell her too much, I’ll kill you, Cosima._

“Well, your mom still wants to kiss me – who wouldn’t want to kiss me?” Kira giggles, and Sarah hits Cosima’s arm playfully. “Anyway, still feels romantic love- you know, like hugs and kisses and that all that cute stuff. But she doesn’t want to do the things where you make a baby. It’s not that she can’t, she just doesn’t feel the want to do it. Does that make sense?” 

“Yeah…I think so,” Kira says. She then turns to Sarah, who has tears in her eyes. “Is that true? Why are you crying?” 

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s true. I think it’s true. I’m not completely sure, monkey. And I’m crying because usually no one thinks it’s true- not like Cosima. She’s special. Did you know she stayed up all night to figure this out?”

“Really?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Wait, Mom?” 

“Yeah, monkey?” 

“If you’re a grown-up, how do you not know? I thought grown-ups knew everything. And if you don’t want to make babies, why did you have me?” 

Sarah sighs, tears streaming new down her cheeks. “Grown-ups don’t know everything, however much we want to. And I have you because I made some bad choices, Kira. But you’re not a mistake. Don’t ever think that you are, because I love you more than I thought was possible. Okay?”

 “Okay.”

 “Do you understand everything we said?” Cosima asks, her face unusually serious. 

“Yeah,” Kira says. “Well, no. Please don’t be mad at me.” 

“We’re not mad,” Sarah promises. “We’d never be mad at you for something like this.” 

“And Mom? I think it’s kinda cool that you’re different. Even if I don’t get it.” 

Kira laughs, and soon all three of them are smiling. 

Sarah wonders how her life turned around so fast. Yesterday, she felt broken, unwanted. But now, she had a family who loved and accepted her (every part of her). 

Life goes on as usual for their little family. Kira continues third grade (she’s one of the youngest in her class- almost the last student to turn nine). Sarah and Cosima do cuddle a lot more, as Cosima suggested. Sarah, for the third or fourth time in her life, actually feels safe and loved. 

One Thursday afternoon, after Kira has done her homework, she asks if she can talk to Cosima alone, without Sarah. 

“Sure, monkey.” Cosima says, “You wanna talk in your room?” 

A few minutes later, Kira and Cosima are sitting on Kira’s bed, and Cosima’s hunched over a little bit to almost match Kira’s height. “What’s up?” 

Kira shifts a little bit, before starting nervously. “I might have a crush. On a boy.” 

Cosima chuckles, smiling. “That’s awesome! Why wouldn’t you want your mom to know?” 

“Because… I want to be like her, but I don’t have a crush on a girl. And what if I don’t feel the same things? I thought you were supposed to be like your mom.” 

Cosima takes a deep breath. “Oh my God, no, monkey. Don’t think that. You can’t help what you feel. Here, let me show you. Do you have paper? And something to write with

 Kira nods, and gives Cosima a piece of notebook paper and a pencil case of crayons. 

Cosima draws a line with a red crayon. “Okay, you see this? This is the spectrum of attraction. You know what a spectrum is? Like a rainbow? Kira nods, and Cosima continues with a different color.

She draws a line on the red. “This is zero. That means you don’t want to make babies with anyone, right?” 

“Isn’t that like Mommy?” 

“Yes and no. She’s close to here, but a little bit to the right.” Cosima draws another line, about an inch down the red line. “That’s your mom. Because she feels attraction sometimes, but not a lot.” 

Cosima thinks for a minute, then flips the paper over. “Actually, that’s not right. I don’t know if I can draw it, so I’ll explain it.” 

“Okay.” 

“So. Some people only feel attraction to one gender- boys or girls. Sometimes, people feel attraction to boys _and_ girls. You with me so far?” 

“Yeah.” 

“And then, sometimes people can feel attraction to anyone, even if they’re not a boy or a girl.” Kira frowns a little, but nods. 

“And sometimes people, like your mom, don’t feel attraction to people at all, or very rarely. Got it?” 

“I think so.”

 Cosima knows sexuality is a lot more complex than that, but Kira’s eight, so she doesn’t go into any more confusing details. 

“So, even if Sarah doesn’t feel attraction very often, you’re completely different. And you can’t help what you feel. It’s completely okay for you to like boys, or girls, or whatever. It doesn’t matter if you’re the same, or different, or even if you’re not sure. Because we’ll love you no matter what. Just like I love your mother no matter what.” 

Kira looks up at Cosima. “Promise?” 

“I promise.” 

“Will you come with me to tell Mum, though?” 

“Of course.” 

“Sarah!” Cosima calls. Sarah’s sitting in the living room, watching something Cosima doesn’t recognize on television. “Kira has something to tell you!” 

“Yes, baby?” Sarah asks.

 Kira shuffles forward, and when she talks, her voice is still nervous and rushed. “I have a crush on a boy but Mommy Cosima says that’s okay because even if I’m not the same as you you’ll always love me.”

 “Oh, my God, baby, of course,” Sarah says, kneeling down to be at Kira’s eye level. “What’s his name?” 

“Is he cute?” Cosima jumps in. 

Kira giggles. “Yeah. His name’s Josh. He’s in my class.” 

“Oh my God, Josh?” Cosima asks. “That’s like, the cutest name I’ve ever heard.” 

Kira laughs, and looks at the ground. Even if Sarah and Cosima were taking it well, it was still embarrassing. 

“You know what?” Cosima asks. 

“What?” 

“We should invite him over for dinner. That sound like a good idea?” 

“Yeah.” 

Sarah smiles, but the grin doesn’t reach her eyes, and she doesn’t say anything. Again, Cosima notices. 

A few days later, after all the necessary calling mothers and planning, there’s an eight-year-old boy at the door. 

“Bye, mom!” Josh calls, turning towards a minivan parked on the sidewalk. 

“Have fun!” his mother calls back, and then he’s inside, and he’s saying hello to Kira. 

Sarah will have to make dinner. That’s good, she thinks. This Josh boy won’t see her if she’s in the kitchen cooking. 

Later, when dinner’s in full swing and Sarah hasn’t left the kitchen once. She looks up, and Cosima’s standing in front of her. 

“What’s wrong, Sarah?” Cosima asks. “You’ve been quiet all evening.” 

Sarah tries to shake it off, shake her head like nothing’s the matter, but it doesn’t work. Her voice breaks after two or three words, and it’s all she can do not to burst into tears. Her words are so fast, so distorted by tears Cosima can barely understand them. “She’s eight years old, Cos, what am I gonna do what if I ruin her life I’m not normal what if I mess things up she knows I’m different what if she gets hurt because of me, oh God.”

 Cosima gives a quiet little gasp, and pulls Sarah close to her. Sarah buries her face in Cosima’s shoulder, and Cosima holds her, tracing a line up and down Sarah’s cheek with her thumb, whispering “Shh, it’s okay, Sarah, it’s okay.” 

Cosima pulls Sarah closer, rocking her back and forth slowly, gently. “It’s okay, Sarah. She loves you, she needs you, I need you. You’re important, Sarah, you’re different and you’re unique and you’re beautiful because of that. Don’t give up now, Sarah, we’ve got _so much more_ ahead of us.” 

Sarah looks up at Cosima. “Are you sure?” 

“I’m sure, yeah.” 

They’re silent for a moment, until Cosima pulls away slowly. “You can finish dinner, and I’ll go get Kira and Josh. I think they’re outside.” 

Sarah nods, and finishes up the cooking. As she turns toward the dining room table, she hears a snippet of Kira and Josh’s conversation. 

“My mum is special, but you can’t see it.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah. It’s cool.’ 

Sarah’s heart is still racing when she sits down to have dinner with the kids. She doesn’t know where Cosima is, but Sarah figures she’ll be there soon. 

“Kira said you’re special,” Josh asks. “Are you a superhero?” 

This is a completely new experience for her, this family. She’s been with so many bad people in her life, and has only felt loved by Felix and Mrs. S and more recently, Cosima (Kira didn’t count, she didn’t think). 

And her daughter accepting her so easily, and now being asked such an innocent, honest question, and Sarah does burst into tears. 

She starts almost sobbing, and within seconds, Cosima’s rushed into the room. “What’s wrong, Sarah? What happened?” 

Sarah’s grinning through her tears, and Cosima’s very, very confused. She looks over at Kira and her “boyfriend”, who’s oblivious to what’s happening. 

“So she’s a superhero? That’s so cool!” 

And it all clicks into place for Cosima, and she takes Sarah’s hand and holds it for the rest of dinner. 

Kira’s smiling through almost all of dinner. Even if she hadn’t told Cosima and Sarah, she’d been nervous. Even at eight years old, she knows most kids didn’t have two moms, and she knows Sarah was special even if she didn’t completely understand it. And now, this boy is calling her mother a superhero, and she thinks that’s the best thing that’s ever happened.

 That night, when it’s late and it’s dark and Cosima and Sarah shouldn’t really be awake, Sarah’s still crying. 

And Cosima says “It’s okay,” with her lips against Sarah’s skin and for the first time in a long time, Sarah believes her. Because she has a family who loves her and tries to understand her and a daughter who tells boys she’s a superhero and Cosima who finds a new reason she’s special every day. 

Sarah lays awake for half the night that night, feeling properly happy for the first time in a long time. She used to think she was broken, but now she knows she’s anything but. Of course, she’s still broken in some ways (nobody’s perfect), but Cosima spends every day trying to convince Sarah that she is. 

And right now, it’s working. 

The next morning, as soon as Sarah sees Cosima, (in the kitchen, shuffling downstairs while Sarah drinks her coffee) she kisses her hard, more passionately than she was brave enough to before all of this started. 

Sarah pulls away and lets her forehead fall against Cosima’s, and they’re both grinning. Sarah, because Cosima has supported her more than she ever expected, and Cosima, because she’s so proud of how far Sarah has come. 

They stand there for a while and at some point they both start giggling, and Cosima starts kissing Sarah’s cheek over and over again. 

Sarah stops laughing for a second, and looks Cosima in the eye. “I don’t know where I’d be without you,  Cos.” 

Sarah rests her head on Cosima’s shoulder, and Cosima’s skin smells like home.

 They stand there like that, together, happy, and in this moment, Sarah’s not worried about how broken she is (because she’s not). 

As long as she holds onto Cosima, everything will be okay.


End file.
